Stanky Ass Bitch

Well. It's been a while friends...and by friends I mean ...the two people who read this...send some followers?

So all four of us are moved in to the house now, S, T, F and J...and the Cat <3. And the ghost lady. And The Bat, wherever the heck he went. One big happy family. Except not at all. Where to begin..

I guess before I continue with more blogs it is necessary to better acquaint you with our roommate, F. She’s been mentioned in a previous blog as the provider of our vomit-inducing decor, but you need to better understand that she has a great deal of other vomit-inducing attributes. As soon as F stepped her fat behind in the door, all hell broke loose and the house turned to shit. For real....shit. She's the dirtiest, smelliest, most disgusting, annoying person...EVER. No joke. She and her room have a smell. A distinct odor. Not one that I can really compare to anything. It’s a whole new level of nasty, rank, rancid, gross. I can’t even stand to go in there anymore, I feel like I’m being poisoned. It scares me when C tries to go in F’s room...I worry she might ingest something horrible.
Too name a few more oh-so-sexy qualities:

-She never bathes

-She thinks “Febreze” is a disinfectant and tries to clean things with it

-When it’s not Febreze she simply fills a bowl with water, dips a paper towel in the water and dabs at whatever she’s spilled on the carpet

-She rinses out and reuses plastic sandwich bags, and hey I’m all for saving the environment but the bags she reuses previously contained raw meat

-She then leaves the baggies on the kitchen tap to dry

-Worst thing ever, her feet. Her disgusting dirty horrible feet. She feels the need to rub them on EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I don’t know why. One day soon I will puke on her.

-Wait, wait...the ACTUAL worst thing ever, she leaves bread crumbs EVERYWHERE. Seems like no big deal, right? WRONG! I have a disease where I absolutely cannot eat anything containing gluten (such as bread crumbs) and I am extremely sensitive to it. Simple cross-contamination can cause me a great deal of pain and the long-term damage is intestinal cancer. Thanks bitch.

Aside from the fact that she is ultra dirty, she’s also a horrible, lying, conniving, nosey, manipulative, sneaky, bitch. So many examples that it would be a waste of my life to type them all. In short, she needs to know everything I’m doing at all times, she lies about everything, had me convinced a large group of my friends hated me (turns out it’s her they hate...not me) and so on and so forth. Probably the most annoying thing she does though (because the lying I can tolerate...it’s easy to spot now) is copying everything T and I do and needing to know everything.

Example,

T and I share a lot of groceries, like yogurt. “Activia” fat free to be exact. Seeing this on our shelves, F goes grocery shopping and surprise, surprise, she comes home with the exact same kind for herself. No big deal...if it didn’t happen
with EVERYTHING we get and wasn’t followed by this conversation:

F- “mmmmm I just love Activia!!”

T- “ok...”

See how she does that? It’s like she’s waiting for us to be like OMG WE DO TOO!
BFFL!! No.

T and I are drinking chocolate milk because we only have a few days before it expires...F bulldozes her way over us into the tiny kitchen to take her milk and mix it with and chocolate she can find so she can join the crowd. I go on a new type of birth control...two days later F comes back from the Dr. “oh I just had to switch my birth control!”. Best story though, T has to drink rice milk (even though she usually doesn’t) due to an allergy. F goes out and buys the same kind of milk and claims she loves it and likes to mix it with her regular milk...heh?

On to some other fun stuff,

T and I have decided we’re going to start baking our pot into peanut butter sandwiches so that no one knows we have it and F can’t smoke it all then go to bed like usual. We are clever, clever girls 

The side of our house (where T parks her car) is pretty much a jungle this time of year. So there are spiders all over the place, and her car. T has a SERIOUS spider phobia, so, as payment for her driving me around all the time...I kill the spiders. But we tell F I give T $20 a month for gas. Figured she might give T money for rides...make some extra cash. I’ll let you know if that ever works out. F likes to sneak her sneaky ass into T’s car before class to get a ride.
I keep C’s food and water in my room. Lately I’ve been coming home to a sock in her water bowl every day. Today it was a whole shirt. Why can’t she just drink her water like a normal cat? Instead of using articles of my clothing to soak it up... Let’s try to develop some theories on that...

Could be that since class has started she’s lonely without me

Could be that since class has started her chubby ass is pissed she doesn’t have food every minute of the day

Could be some weird possession thing....like “I like this..I’m going to keep it...hmm...yes, here in my water bowl.”

Could be “this water is stale bitch”

Could be “where the fuck’s the milk at?”

Any thoughts?

Until next time,
S

*disclosure... or whatever we should call it..S and T are in no way fat people haters. We just feel that hateful, lying, deceitful, lazy people who treat us like garbage, deserve to be made fun of. If F and A (previously mentioned) were nice to us...we would put up with any vomit-inducing qualities and never make fun of their weight. It’s a sensitive subject. We know. And believe me, we aren’t perfect either. But we are nice to those who deserve it and aren’t manipulative, horrible people (such as F and A). Sorry to anyone we offend.